You get to be the King of Slaves
Your loans will incentivize your hard work
You may find a girl friend
While away 4 years with a very valid excuse
Student discounts on $4 glitter at Walmart
Youre worse off than other slaves
Your loans may crush you like Gru's banker in Despicable Me
You still may not find a girl friend - hahaha
You may never use what you studied because everyone has moved on
No student discount
So you have been considering college, because as usual, life does not seem to go anywhere. So you thought, let’s find another excuse, and perhaps what could be better than finding yourself a college, give it all the money it asks for, and then find one more thing to cry and bitch about now that you will have – finally a six-figure number in your credit report – even if as loan.
We know, we know, you try and stay away from good advice as much as possible, particularly if you have an issue with who is delivering it. But make no mistake, you absolutely do not know us – we are the tabloid people. Hey, we are just like Playboy and Hustler… So why don’t you consider some of the gossip underneath, and see if that will change your mind?
- HOW LONG WILL YOU USE YOUR DEGREE?
Did you know they are saying a degree in marketing, including advertising and staff is not even worth the paper it’s printed on by the time you graduate. I will explain – they’re saying in four years, the whole scenario will be so entirely different, you would have to enroll in another degree program to learn, and then the same thing is likely to happen all over again by the time you graduate. So how many of you are going to be taught integrating Facebook pixels into an advertising campaign worth $15 as part of your program? Don’t do it, unless you know what you’re getting into. There was another report just come out that said something like 33 percent or 50 percent (DOESNT matter – just quite large) said they repented higher education.
TIMES OF ACCELERATED LEARNING
These are times when you’re supposed to figure shit out yourself, by using information that you can get from … where else … but the World Wide Web. These are not times when you do your homework to please your teachers, even if let’s say you don’t have to get into a situation like Megan and Tom, and then get your school paper to show all the rich people how wise would it be to hire you. These are times to learn, and do shit for your own self. We can turn the tide in America, we can make small business win, small independent contractors win. Or you know what, I can do all of that by myself.
=) There is nothing more inevitable than an idea whose time has come…
DID YOU LOOK AROUND FOR DEALS?
Nope – the local community college that catches everyone magically from down under is a deal breaker. Without having to compromise on the nature of the degree that you’ll receive, have you looked around to see where there is not an army of hungry professors and their families to feed? You don’t have to contribute to their $100,000 salaries. We will break a little secret to you. Outside the bounds of the colonies where hunger games are played, you should be able to enroll and graduate with zero shits and zero dollars given. That applies to most places in Europe, and that applies to most places in Asia and that applies to most places in Africa and in South America and wherever else the heck, including Fiji. Maybe we will do this research when we have more time in another article, but we are going to point you in the direction: look for colleges outside the United States, that don’t charge you $40,000 every year just for tuition and room and board. We will leave you with these thoughts: many countries in Europe would make your life hell if you did not know the local language, including places like Germany, Switzerland, France, Russia etc. however, they will allow foreigners for the most part to pay the same tuition that their own citizens paid.
Then there are colleges in Asia: India, Thailand and other places in Southeast Asia (we are keeping China, Korea and Japan out of this because you will find an excuse for not finishing your degree or first get a degree in the language to get a degree) – but these are places where you will not lose an arm and a leg just trying to get a freaking degree, no matter how many. As an expat, you will also find your long lost self-esteem, even if you had never been to Siem Reap before.
The extent of the hypocrisy: the United States validates all four year degree programs for the most part. It’s like double lynching for people that pay in to the scam BECAUSE they ended up doing that.
THE FANCY-SCHMANCY SCHOOLS – IVY LEAGUE SHIFT
We will tell you that an Ivy League may still be worth the fortune that they may end up costing you. Not because it teaches you something from another planet. But because of the relationships that you may create. You are likely to be going to school with a lot of lucky people. People that are out of China with millions of dollars to spare, people that were sent from Russia with messages and monies, the babies of the kings and queens that survived revolutions and other creatures like that. Even if you were the keeper of silence and sanity during your time there, you will be known – to hundreds of resourceful human beings, at least a fraction of whom would move on five years after their graduation and be inclusive towards you. On the other hand, if you were even a little bit normal and social, imagine what you could accomplish. You would have a free AirB&B in every capital of the world. But your situation will be such that you perhaps won’t even be staying in an AirB&B – you are likely going to be invited with everything paid for, once you get that stamp out of one of these places.
But if you were looking to go to a Drexel, a USC, or something in Idaho, look back at least one time.
CONSIDER THE LOCATION… BECAUSE… MONEYMAKING
Many people don’t really fully realize the repercussions of the decisions they are making. You are not even supposed to – when they ask you to make this decision at age 17 or 18. I just got really really angry – F_U_C_K them F. THEM ROUGH. They just want you to incinerate your four most vulnerable years in when they can feed you bull shit, and take all your money, and set you up in mother fucking debt for the rest of your mother fucking life. Then they will make you feel like a criminal when you cant pay off, even if you file for bankruptcy. That’s the beauty the student loans are – just in the US though. In a nutshell, most legal processes are just bull shit crafted to trap. You can thank me later but this is quickly turning into a rant.
Your college is also a time when a lot of other stuff happens: many people meet their prospective partners, while many people realize eventually that they will need to work two or three more jobs at all times to pay through everything. You want a place where you are able to make money at least. That happens typically in big cities. Big cities are also places that typically do not have colleges, and you are likely to also end up spending more on the room and living expenses. So a balance is important depending in you as a person. If given the opportunity you can make more, stay in a happening place/location. If youre a dud, youll quickly rack up bills.
Choose a place where you know you’re likely to have find chicks, find gigs, and places that your mind will be happy. Don’t just set all of this stuff aside, and you end up in Timbuktu, with a giant bill to pay every semester, and the only game in town is the damn University and they decide what they will pay and to who.
CONSIDER NOT GOING! NOT AT THIS TIME OF YOUR LIFE
It is so much BS – all of these things associated with college. Not until I had been 35 years of age, had experience with what life is going to be like after graduation, had gotten a feel for what I like to do, had gotten a feel for how much money I like to make, and how I like doing that, been served a few different legal notices, dealt with them and served a few of my own, traveled the mother f*ing world, that I realized that I wanted to be a funky lawyer, get myself certified with all of the countries that I like spending my time in, so I have a rather smooth stream of income at all times. Instead I have a degree in grey mold on a donkey’s ass. Did you know in large parts of the world, the donkey as an animal is not going to be found?
You get a feel for the world after you have lived in it, and living means making money and spending money. You take your time and you spend your time figuring all of this SHOOT before you decide to pay someone five years of your life – your prime youth – that you will never get back, alongside however much more in money.
THERE IS A SMELL TO EVERY CAMPUS
If you do decide to attend college at this stage of your life, most definitely go and visit wherever it is that you have been wanting to go. Imagine living in California and getting an admit from Harvard and MIT – there are people that find themselves in these situations. Our suggestion is to go there and see how you like these places. Be patient there is a smell and a culture in every college campus, even between the different schools within a campus. That comes from the attitude of the person who holds the reins in that place. You may find that teachers are a bit subdued, or you may find them definitely more carefree. You may find that everyone has a bent toward the numerical aspect of things, rather than a more well-rounded culture or a sociological perspective. I reckon you understand what I am trying to say here. MIT is known for technology, but you won’t really understand how it is different from a supposedly more well rounded Harvard program, until you go and visit them. Youre going to be living there for a long time – you might as well know what you’re getting into. And not just the teachers, look at the people that work there. I can’t tell you the burn that exists between specific backgrounds of students, and specific backgrounds of security personnel that man, for example, the ID cards and checks and stuff, so you dont ask later on, “why does he always check my ID? “A holistic place has harmony, and you are going to FEEL It.
AVOID? GOING TO AN EXPENSIVE PRIVATE COLLEGE?
My wife went to a suburban Philly University, and she tells me that she was all starry eyed during her orientation as a young kid and she was mesmerized by – put simply, the flow of money that she saw at that campus. All of her other admits were state colleges, or smaller colleges, cheaper colleges…in the sticks, and given bad advice from people around her who wanted her to go to school so bad, she ended up in this program worth $60000 per year before she even understood that she would have to pay it all back, together with interest. Miserable is not the word that comes to my mind when I think about her mind, 15 years down the line.
Private colleges will always look so exclusive, full of secrets and all inspiring, and you would feel like your last desires are going to be coming true within those gilded holes – its all BS and a trap. You little know, nor do you care about their level of deficit, how much they are getting together and paying each other, how overburdened people are in their departments, people taking over responsibilities of two or three full-time workers, by the way that is capitalism unleashed for you, and you know where the money is going to come from? It’s far better to take a couple vacations to Disney if you can find cheap tickets from somewhere, or just go to Thailand, rather than paying into this vicious circle. Then return to University of Idaho and finish your studies.
DONT THINK OF JOBS ON CAMPUS. THINK RESEARCH.
Well, if you have considered everything and you’re still going to college, you must like what you going to study. In that case, your life would be super happy if you would get paid doing just that. Of course I’m talking about research – with a professor. The more certain you are about what you want to study, the more seriously you should look at professors who are already doing it, and go to that college instead, and everything else takes a backseat, including chicks. Through the years of your undergraduate studies, you can build rapport with your professors, because they are also actively looking for students. Only a few would get any money during their undergraduate years, if they are really promising. However, in your graduate years, expect to be bankrolled, but only if you can get an advisor and an assistantship.
I can’t even imagine a better situation, and it will have everything to do with how much you like your subject of study and not get disillusioned after a few semesters. Of course it goes without saying, please do not end up in a program that you dislike, worse hate. Burn all your toys first.
MOST DEFINITELY DO THAT SEMESTER STUDYING ABROAD
Trust us on this. You will look back, and you will be so happy you did it. On the other hand, if your friends did it and you did not, you will be the wreck of the century because you did not do that semester abroad. Did someone dissuade you over money? Did they? … I’m coming right over… YOU WILL SPEND MORE MONEY STAYING IN THE UNITED STATES, PAYING FOR YOUR ROOM BOARD AND TUITION, THAN YOU WOULD GOING TO ITALY, FOR EXAMPLE. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE FOR NOT GOING. TRUST ME – I KNOW. BESIDES IT WILL BROADEN YOUR HORIZON, AND GIVE YOU A VIEW AT WHAT LIES BEYOND YOUR INTERMEDIATE CIRCUMSTANCES. IT WILL GIVE YOU A FLOAT.
A BIT ABOUT LOANS
Most likely, you will end up having to take out loans. It is a shame, but if you’re already going through with a degree … ! We will just say – STICK TO FEDERAL LOANS. Those loans can be forgiven, and those loans can be consolidated and they will come up with an interest rate that is not going to suck as much blood, so as to leave you alive to make more. If you’re not careful, private loans can lynch you.
BE PREPARED FOR A “FUCKING-SHIP” … INTERNSHIP MORE COMMONLY
At this point, youre likely headed. Your calling, but know this that toward the end of your program, as part of their rigorous initiative to create an employee out of you, they will start the process of chipping at any sense of independence and opinion that you may have left inside of you. To do so, and before they let you lose in the slave market to cause havoc, they will prepare you for it. The process of grooming has as its center the market of internship, where slave owners would come to sniff you, and see if you take offense at being offenced against basically … and it’s kind of a big deal if you were looking for a job afterwards.
This article is getting way too long, so what we gonna do is come up with a Part II, so you can spend another day reading through the rest of this. Hey, it took me 20 years to come this far.