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Why Do College Towns Suck so Bad?
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Just because ...
Positives

Chicks in spring time
Cheap rents of you can find them
Most likely contain a half decent university
Youd want to graduate quickly

Negatives

Rude shit people
Rude shit businesses that dont give a F
Small time economy
Nothing much to do
Punk culture (this may be a +ve for some)
Hard to side hustle
Can suck you!

That text says, “this never going to be your college town”


Now that you are done celebrating the weekend over your crisp admission letter from your fancy schmantzy University, let us introduce you a little bit to where you’re most likely headed. No we are not making this up at all. Youre headed to … a … “college town“. If exceptions indeed proved the rule, there is where your most likely to find the University worth celebrating the weekend over. Youll be upset because while you were busy salivating over the prospect of getting into that hallway, they disappeared your city from the outside. Unless youre like the guy in Meet the Fockers, and you were celebrating mediocrity – getting admitted to whatever college you can manage to in a big city.

For everyone else that worked so hard for so long, we shall elaborate on why life in a college town that houses your semi Ivy League is most likely to suck dried Dragon balls. I will write this article based upon my own perspective of having been stuck in a giant woolabeast of dragon pubes (did I spell Gainesville right?) For considerable time, after, also having lived and studied in suburban Philadelphia.

Culture

Picture this: the entire right lobe in that set of balls is being compared to the culture of the college town, that is not even that small. Most likely, everyone that you shall make acquaintance with, will appear exceptionally grumpy, because what they are hiding is worse – even if they are not out to make your worst nightmares come true. Its like you’ll wonder if they never graduated and so they were stuck? It is like it is in the air. To carefully qualify this statement, I believe I was just thinking about the old ones out there. NOT! It includes nearly every son of mother that lives there … apart from the daughters. These will include the hardworking “peoples” at the local gas station, doesn’t matter which one of the two we may be referring to. THE owner of the local food joints, trained and certified mechanics in repair shops… matter of fact, PERHAPS it is just that these shops are localized, without a franchisee model to oversee their customer relationship programs and they tend to decay… NOT… The same goes for larger chains like Walmart, Chipotle or below five because they also happen to draw their “talent” locally!

A COLLEGE TOWN IS A COLLEGE TOWN THROUGH AND THROUGH.

NO LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS

At College Tabloid, given we are privy to so much college stuff, thats otherwise secret, we know overall this college town behavior is not well rounded given that there are is no expectation of a long-term relationship between businesses there and their clients. Read high turn over that burritos aren’t going to cure (another reason they don’t even try making tasty food). When a resident of four years – who has to have learnt about every trick and secret there is to know in that small town finally gets to leave, they are replaced by – you guessed it, but this time even more – new residents. Only FOUR years younger, with greater access to their parents money, and that tend to look like soft veal never having lived outside of their homes. This gives rise to a kind of predatory behavior within businesses of all kinds, aiming to quickly make some money off of you in the moment, if even a chance at a long-term relationship may be jeopardized.

PUNKS

Then there are these. In a college town, where the shopping clerks won’t bother you, one of your own fellow minions may. We’re talking about in public spaces, including parking lots, elevator waiting areas, walkways, without have you – including streets. You will wonder if you too should rush into a parking space if you could, before the car flashing for the past five minutes makes it in, in reverse. On the other hand, if you cant, rest assured someone else would do just that. Just getting by your business can sometimes become such a privilege, and you are going to find out just how! Forget the notion of your own space.

NEIGHBORS

Perhaps you were the smartest graduate student that ever existed,
with an all paid fellowship to graduate school. Because youre smart, you decided to bring your wife and your young kids along – your postdoctoral studies are going to take the next 10 years and the remainder of your youth with it so WHY NOT? Just don’t expect to find yourself living among professors. There is a Tioga for every Gainesville in this world, and that’s where the professors all live with their six-figure incomes (thats also where you go if you broke your fancy computer). You, feeding off of temporal grants from here and from there, are going to be living anywhere but there. And what will you find everywhere else, if you may ask? Undergraduate students with no clothes… And that has nothing to do with penury, which is real. Beat up Hondas from 1910, resurrected to prove they were actually Hondas may have something to do with it. Then there shall be the crazy rich Mustangs and Harleys that average out all the data. Stuff painted bright colors, and other stuff painted gray colors… Apart from purple and black stuff. Take your pick. A few people won’t have to worry about playing music either… Would be playing continuously around them by default.

DRUGS AND THE HOOD

There is no real understanding as of how this works but a college town will have two different varieties of the hood – the hood that you don’t want to find yourself in, and the student hood which is worst. In either of these cases, no matter how grand the construction and the size of the yard, you shall find at least a few different students living inside. In fact, one can go out on a leg and say a college town is principally entirely a hood.

SHIT TO DO

There is not much shit to do in a college town ever. In fact, the level of discretionary income left over with a student is not a classified secret. Maybe that is why college towns are created. To pile together everyone that has no money, will have a massive six figure debt for a long time, and is not likely to thus have money five or 10 years after they start working. So why give them the dog park?

In fact, you will go through building after building of University construction or administration, just trying to find someplace that was reviewed so well on Google maps, and kinda looked independent. In fact, stuff that does not even look like a university, you will find, is owned by the University.

TAXES

But why does a university own like half the buildings in the city? Because no one else can! As a nonprofit, the University gets away without paying any property taxes. On the other hand, you, who is so much in love with your alma mater, and have been looking to buy property there are going to be saddled with 2 to 3 times the property taxes that people in neighboring counties pay. You see, someone has to pay the bill the University wont. So the University does not actually get built upon the land in the county, it is actually built upon slow shoulders such as yours. And there is a perennial shortage of money in such places… Very very few families to actually support the amenities that you may be missing from just about anywhere you used to be.

QUALITY OF SHOPS

Instead, we are sure you will find some antique items in the grocery stores that continued to stay open from the times of Adam and Eve. Now of course you will argue that there were no grocery stores in those times – particularly if you only live in a college town. To each their own I guess…

SO I WILL JUST LIVE

So instead, you choose to just live in the college town and not do a whole lot of shopping. But then of course someone visits and you decide to get them a room or two in the aptly named Knights’s Inn or Motel 9th, only to find each of those royal rooms will cost you an easy $85 a night. What!? Does this make no sense? Well, you see, the only places you will find competition in a college town is inside the classroom. By the way, good luck on those grades therefore. The geniuses of the century and the lights of a generation shall find the most intense college town so they can dedicate their life to academia, and this is good. But not for you, who just wanted to regurgitate in exam whatever possible with the morning lunch truck sandwhich, and have a degree to your name. So, there is no competition when it comes to hotels, restaurants, mechanic shops, grocery stores, cafés, and gas pumps for that matter. For that matter, there is no other kind of business that exists there.

Before I forget, there are a ton of office supply stores there.

CHARACTERS

Each college town comes with its own set of characters you may discover gradually. Many of these are people who made the conscious decision to not graduate, or reckoned they would be better off working (or not working) where ever they were having to already, without the need to be under even more loans. Then there are others who are just there because of the students. These are those that have learnt to internalize the stab of the Norwhale metaphorically speaking, or bear the sting of the student shaped jellyfish. There is an assortment of subject experts, tutors, coaches, counselors, alternate practitioners that are all at home. Just that its easy to come across them when they exist to find you.

ALTERNATE LIFESTYLE

As all readers will tell you, we at College Taboid, always give credit where it is due. So if you were a skull Shaman, or you practiced just about any strain of alternative lifestyles, even ones that have not fully evolved yet, a true college town is where you will likely find acceptance, and find people who will do it with you basically. But like I said, there’s no way to show it off. You live in a place where enlightened minds and curious cats take pride in having seen it all, been there and having done it all, really without having left the college town because the greyhound dont come…

In our experience, you will also find movements and cults all around mid sized and onwards college towns. So there are those possibilities…

YOU USED TO BUY STUFF OFF OF CRAIGSLIST?

…and make extra money? That’s not happening because there are not many people selling. That neighbor’s car you had always been eyeing, since he got a new one shall never be yours – we will write this on a piece of paper and send it to you from our offices, because there are 10 other students like you who have been wanting to buy it also.

For that matter, there is about very little to do. There is always a better way of looking at things, and in this case, you stand to become a highly creative individual by the time you graduate in terms of trying to make money. In fact, there is no new money coming into the town – if you set aside the parents and relatives that sometime visit.

“But my university gets money?”

That’s barely enough to get the University going – because why else would you be taking on hundreds of thousands of dollars for the loan only to get a degree that is free pretty much in all the rest of the world – developed and developing.

We have a fabulous idea – you guys can always massage each other, depending upon who has the tenner that day.

WHEN THE SEMESTER ENDS…

Do you know what happens when the semester ends, and all the “peoples” go their own way, all the cars go out, all the money goes out? There is nothing for anyone to do. But that doesn’t mean that you can go and get a bag full of bread out of Panera when they are closing. The homeless are always around.

About The Author
Chief Ox

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